i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
