Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
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