Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
