New low: just hacked my moms facebook
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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