Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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