Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
