I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
