im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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