Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
