I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
