I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
