who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
