She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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