do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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