When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
