Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
