my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
