i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
