for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
