let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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