the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
