I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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