Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
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i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
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If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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