Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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