Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
