So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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