Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
