I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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