Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just gift wrapped bread.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
