how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Randomize
