I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
