I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize