Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
