Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
