i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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