Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
