Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
