I threw up into my coffee this morning.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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