The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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