This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
