My sheets look like a crime scene.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
