That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
3 2 1 whiskey
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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