they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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