well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
