Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
