When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i drank out of a bidet.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
