she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
