3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The maid of honor just puked.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
