Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
