I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
