mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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