my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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