Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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