I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
