i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
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I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
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They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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