3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
