if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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